Revision Analysis

 

In the Price of Freedom Essay I made very grave mistakes. Beginning with my introduction, the sentences were very scattered and did not flow. In my revised essay I managed to streamline all my main points into sentences that flowed into one another and were understandable to my audience. The only other problem I had, that was pointed out to me, was my quotes. I was dropping quotes all over the place and making them stand alone. To fix this problem I added colons after the sentence explaining the quotes—this tactic worked very well. In my closing paragraph I synthesized sentences and eliminated distracting repetition, which really tied together my essay.

When I was revising this essay I realized how much I had grown in my writing and in my revising style. I looked deeper into things, with a keener eye and recognized mistakes I wouldn’t have seen at the beginning of the year. I am satisfied with my revision of the Price of Freedom Essay and I believe it is now much more clear and precise.

Fantastic Price of Freedom Essay

 

John F. Kennedy delivers his speech with many important aspects in mind. As with Patrick Henry’s speech to the Virginia Convention and George Bush’s speech following September 11^th, Kennedy’s Inaugural Address can be seen as magnificent and very similar. These speeches are undeniably alike due to their essential word choice. The complex issues that arise from them are easily communicated and understood by the audience through the various speaker’s syntax. Kennedy’s interpersonal purpose is accentuated through his prodigious words and concentrated syntax.

In Kennedy’s Inaugural Address his purpose is made quite clear. Just as in Bush’s and Henry’s speech, Kennedy sees the need to invoke excitement and courage from his audience. Kennedy also wants to appeal to his audience by presenting himself as a thoughtful, well-educated, caring leader: “I do not shrink from this responsibility; I welcome it”. When Kennedy proclaims these actions, he is hoping to generate some confidence from the audience of his leadership. Due to his careful word choice, Kennedy’s purpose is executed very well throughout his speech.

Kennedy uses interpersonal words to unite him with his audience. Painting a vivid sense of unity, Kennedy used “we”, “us”, and “our” in his speech—just as Bush did in his September 11^th speech. The unity flows throughout the pages, triggering emotions and feelings of the audience. For example, in Kennedy’s first words he accentuates unity, futuristic ideas, excitement, and ambition into the hearts and eyes of his abundant audience: “We observe today not a victory of party but a celebration of freedom, symbolizing an end as well as a beginning, signifying renewal as well as change”. Such abstract ideas as freedom, renewal, and change spark the ambition and excitement in the lives of his audience. This portrayal of excitement was sought after by Patrick Henry as well in his speech when he wanted the delegates to realize the need for a war for independence. More positive connotations were derived from Kennedy’s speech in his reference to light and dark. For example, in “…,that the torch has been passed to a new generation of Americans,…” and in, “the energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavor will light our country and all who serve it, and the glow from that fire can truly light the world”. These quotes use senses of light to symbolize a good future and to act as a positive reinforcement in his speech. This comparison and use of light and dark could also be seen in Patrick Henry’s speech. With all the powerful, meaningful words Kennedy uses, he successfully fulfills the meaning hidden behind the text.

Kennedy creates a true connection between himself and the reader. He presents himself as an intelligent, ambitious human being,and creates an appealing persona all through his word choice, which depicts his important purpose as well. He unifies his audience and unifies his message in a beautiful, masterful manor.

Terrible Price of Freedom Essay

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The Dinosaur Trees

October 2

The night was lovely; the night was youthful and prepared for adventure. This cool night sky was unlike any night sky you had ever seen before. It was a blanket of oceans, sparkled lightly with sugary diamonds. As we laid in the soft, wet, grass we began to paint the canvas above us. We moved the sugar crusted diamonds around and even made more. When the humble nights sky was tired we grew tired too. We sat up from our enchanted bed of grass and peered at the dinosaur trees. Our blood flowed with curiosity as we pranced across the dark, green jungle. We stroked the trees gently and felt their omniscient presence. Letting our strands of hair down, we spun and spun across the plains and then dropped to our knees. Feeling the sticky, wet grass clinging to our skin, we journied over to the bubbling lake. We could taste the grass and hear the frogs and those surrounding us in the distant jungle. Everything became darker and colder and it was then time to grow home and paint our wonderful world of love.

 

• This was a free write journal that I love so much.

• The journal entry was inspired by a wonderful dream I had. I love this entry because it reminds me of my dream and is explained so vividly that it is almost as if I am living in the dream once again.

Emotion or Logic

 

October 1

I value my emotions much more than logic. Emotions help us see things that logic would never allow us to. Emotions save lives, produce miracles, and change the world. Logic on the other hand is our way of ignoring problems in our society and in our world. It is a way in which we look at the world: inside a narrow box. Logic eliminates dreams and imagination when emotion nourishes these essentials of life.

Sadly in school we are taught more logic. In school there is no time for emotion or passion. You must be logical in order to “succeed”. This world of logic that we are submerged in is abundant throughout our society.

 

• This journal entry was supposed to answer another question: “What do you value more emotion or logic and which is used more in schools?”

• I really liked this journal because I believe so much in the importance of education, but at the same time I am so passionate about tending to the wounds and fixing the abundant problems with the way we teach our children.

Obtaining Modern Freedom

 

September 24

There is no price that Americans now have to pay for the freedoms we now enjoy. Our ancestors paid that price for us about 300 years ago. Our ancestors fought for our lives, our rights, our happiness, and prosperity. Today we often worry about another freedom. Often we are tied down by our race, gender, and class. We cannot prosper and be free individuals with the weight of our past or the families we were born into. Media also inhibits us from our freedom. In order to be truly free, you must not let your past, race, gender, or class influence or dictate your future. You must not obey the popular media and conform to the popular society. You must be free. When you do not do things to “please” your gender, class, race, past, and media, you then become free. This comes with a price. Your peers will be shocked with your individual diversity. They will criticize and scold you for your uniqueness. I’m willing to pay this price. Because of my gender, the color of my skin, the occupation of my parents, the school I attend, and the society and mundane culture I surround myself with, this modern freedom will be difficult to obtain.

 

• We were asked to answer a question:”Are there any freedoms that are still fought for?”

• I really liked this journal entry because it is so true and the truth is very hard to swallow.

“It?”

September 11

Growing up, “sex” was always referred to as “it”. Now, you could examine the similarities of these two words and depending upon how you look at it they may be quite similar. In society and now even more than ever, sex has been a very popular issue, subject, conversation, thought, commercial, and so on. With all these things in mind sex could very logically be referred to as “it”. “it” is usually everything: a cat , a microwave, a baseball, a shoe, a flower, or me and you. We are all “it” and “it” is also “sex”. I know, very confusing and very complex, I really don’t even think I understand “it”. But anyhow, “it” is a euphemism for sex. It is usually so much easier to say “it” than to say “sex”. This is probably because “it” is so discrete and has a number of connotations. Sex is viewed in society as such a blunt and sometimes vulgar word. In conclusion, instead of saying “Hey that commercial was all about sex”, which would be said with much difficulty, you would use a euphemism to say in a hushed tone, “Hey that commercial was all about ‘it’ “.

 

• In this assignment we were supposed to write about euphemisms.

• I really liked this journal because I found it humorous. I never had given much thought about the euphemism of “sex”; however, the more I thought about it, “sex” actually had a euphemism. I found this funny because this euphemism illustrates how immature our society really is.

Goodbye

 

September 6

How could one person evoke so much from my heart, my soul, my eyes, my ears, my thoughts. His innocent scrutinizing glance foreshadows what is soon to come. The time is slipping through our finger tips, and that once lucid idea becomes so complex. We evasively, avoid that which we do not speak of but often are always thinking of. Why should we continue to perpetuate our goodbye, our one last kiss, our one last touch, our one last glance; but, not my one last thought of you.

 

• This is a usual journal assignment where we must use our vocabulary words in our journal.

• I wrote this very corny journal entry when my boyfriend was leaving for college. Even though it is cheesy I still really like it because it reminds me of all those feelings that I had felt that I won’t forget.

The Secretary’s Resume

August 29

I live my life by the saying, “live life to the fullest”. When I see something I like I go for it, when I make a promise I keep it, and when I’ve been blessed I am thankful.

Carteret County had been my home scince I arrived here in the hospital room of Carteret General. Growing, learning, laughing, crying, and loving are some things I have always been doing since I can remember.

I love to live and live to love, love new experiences, trials, obstacles…

 

• We picked a piece of paper out of a hat at the beginning of class. On the piece of paper was your journal assignment. When time was up some of us were to read our journals and then the class would guess what our assignment was. My assignment was to fill out an application for a position as a secretary. I guess my applying style was very unique because no one could guess my assignment.

• I liked what I wrote because I thought about what a regular mundane application would look like and I realized if I were to actually be applying for this position I would want my resume to be interesting and exciting. I would want my employer to know the real me.

Research Paper

 

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Nicole Willis

Mrs. Robinson

English 3

18 December 2007

Degrading Grades

You are one out of 6,605,008,900 people; your grade point average is 3.4. You love to lie in the grass and feel the sun warming your body; you plan on applying to North Carolina State University, Chapel Hill, and Appalachian. You are the person with your face submerged in your favorite suspense novel on the beach; you made an 88 on your last History test. You are the person who contemplates your life, future, success, and your grades. I am the person asking many questions. Looking at my report card, I begin to wonder why this slip of number-filled paper is so important in my life and the lives of those around me. I question this inane paper filled with grades-those tiny figures that squeeze the life out of life. In a survey I conducted consisting of 57 high school students at Croatan chosen at random, 52 of them said they valued their grades. What do these numbers, which we are so fond of illustrate? Will they tell me about myself, my future, or my success? Will they answer the questions which interest me most? I wonder, will they guide me when I am performing surgery, when I am dancing on a stage, when I am waitressing, when I am raising my children, or when I am teaching a class? I have found through years of test upon test and quiz after quiz that these stressed grades do not promote positive aid in life; instead, they cause numerous negative effects. Standardized testing is the culprit further administrating these stressed grades—which in turn are amounting to devastating results. Grades infringe on students’ individual talents and encourage a delusive idea of success. “They create unfair situations for minorities and undermined what is cherished in education and in life” (Hirsch 177).

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The emphasis on grades and accountability leads straight to standardized testing. After the 1950s America began to open its eyes. We looked around and noticed the advancements of the countries surrounding us: such as the successful Sputnik created by the Soviets in 1957. American egos would dominate values as we began to take into account our educational system. In order to be successful in a world of competition we would need to enforce an educational standard. Standardized testing was at first evident in grades 3 and up; it was used as a tool aiding in retention and selection of students. The demand for testing skyrocketed in 1965 when the federal government perused its first elementary-secondary education initiative. Testing would now begin as early as kindergarten; this measurement developed new uses. Objective tests would not only portray a student’s success but, teachers’ and schools’ success. Now the pressure of learning the test was pushed upon our educational system. The advancements in education we thought were being made were actually grave mistakes, that our youth and future youth would have to endure the consequences of. The execution of this benchmark system would not end in the sixties. In 2001 President George W. Bush enacted the No Child Left Behind Act. This act focused on achieving excellence through high standards and accountability. Like the preceding backwards steps towards improvement, this act would also strive to improve math and science skills: thus ignoring the arts. Accountability and excellence would necessitate certain destructive learning techniques: memorization and cramming. The unique individuals molded by the once desired education, would be shoved aside to make way for the new and improved uniform products of our “educational factories” (Hirsch 177).

Most obviously observed in present society are the individual characteristics being stripped from the individual. Ruthless grades and tests help execute this horrible act. Such tests are imperfect standards which strive to measure unique individuals with diverse interests

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and dreams. Today, when walking through the threshold of a school building, exasperated students are expected to leave their desires in the dust . Upon entering the classroom they prepare for a day of cramming expendable information, in a desperate attempt to obtain the glorified A grade. In schools today there is no time for individual questions of interest, because students and teachers must prepare themselves for the upcoming exams—exams which will determine their extremely important grade. Ironically, desperate students must conform to a culture, where tests scores are emphasized more than education itself: in order to be seen as a successful individual in a stack of college resumes. Often people visualize grades as motives for working hard in school. This can be seen as a common misconception; we are all born with different drives and attractions; therefore, grades will not serve their purpose as incentives. Students learn what people think they should know not what the student desires to know. Publishers of these tests are constantly relaying to students that they must take certain courses and pass in order to advance in the realm of education. The boundary of education is so narrow because of the explicitness of excellence. This limited pathway towards excellence eliminates the individuals who do not want to utilize a technique of simply memorizing information quickly and successfully. This dimension of success fails to include the individuals who strive to learn and understand for reasons other than grades. It seems that the years most devoted to learning are the years in which students will only temporarily memorize and soon forget.

Unique talents are not recognized in a society of uniform eminence. Certain capabilities are seen as unimportant in a world focused on standards: sadly, the diverse are becoming a dying breed. Talents involving the arts are perceived as extraneous, useless wastes of precious time. This is obvious through our extreme use of tests in math, and basic language Arts. It is therefore impossible for these unique gifts to fit the admired standard. However,

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those inept of conforming, supposedly succeed, and success they accomplish. Those mis fortunate beings succeed in surrendering their curiosity and creativeness to the scrounging hands of tests and grades. In a new light, those lucky, yet few who preserve their diversity and cherish their creativeness, dig deep into their minds: unlocking doors leading to advancements in more areas than just one. The followers of mundane standards will go on to achieve the uniform perception of success. You must be wondering why society is as it is; the answer is spelled out clearly for all to comprehend: grades. This achievement can be seen as passing all classes with outstanding performance—all As—and then moving onto a higher education, which would in most cases be college. These successful students—accustomed to following uniform direction—will then choose a career. Their career pathways will not be based on individual desire; instead career choices will be determined by the logical desire of standard success. Good grades seem to amount to the fallacious ideas of success. Success is placed on a pedestal and worshiped by many conformists. The importance of accomplishment is taught at the earliest of ages. The simplest success can be seen as, coloring inside the lines. Then, complexity is sparked with the strive for perfection. So there you have it, success is perfection and perfection—as students tend to discover—will drive you mad. The stress of grades, tests, perfection, and success drain the sparkle of hope out of many discouraged students’ eyes. This continuously diminishing hope causes many of the problems we face today. Problems arise from the cruel emphasis of grades. Students tend to give up and drop out: “in 1993, approximately 381,000 high school students dropped out of school in America” (Hollinger). This is a great tragedy because this is evidence that students lose sight of the honest joy of learning. They are forced to forget the days of learning for mere pleasure. Learning becomes a fast pace rush leading to more dead ends.

This fast-pace educating technique often leaves behind minorities of diverse income, status,

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and culture; in many cases it even tragically dismantles culture. Tests, as I have mentioned before, are uniform. They are but pieces fitting to an unfair puzzle. Tests are suited for one culture; they do not satisfy the many diverse cultures found in America. Those unique minorities inhabiting this country often find their native culture disappearing. The source of this problem is not unknown: it is derived by the public school systems. Not enough time is devoted to those individuals lacking in finances for an education. Numerous graphs show that money is an important factor in education. Wealthy districts will provide students with operating facilities and much needed technology. While at the same time districts suffocated by poverty will be unable to obtain operating facilities, technology, or even an advanced school faculty able to ensure a valuable education. Many people don’t recognize that local property tax is a large contributer to public schools. With this said, we should realize that areas with lower property tax—such as the inner city and rural areas—will not benefit from the same education as those living in wealthy, upper class areas. You can easily see how grades and testing add to the issues faced by students chained to their unfortunate and unfair poverty. Minorities are frequently labeled and discriminated against in the educating world. They are easily and often swept under a mat of stereotypes and soon overlooked and forgotten. Often handicapped with issues of a new language and a dissimilar environment, Hispanics and other immigrants have serious difficulty with America’s culture of tests and grades. Many studies show that minorities score lower than whites on standardized tests. This problem is unmistakably due to historic tragedies such as slavery of African Americans and Native Americans. The catastrophes of the past have paralyzed generations of minorities. This technique of standardized tests used in handling diversity can be seen as a vicious cycle affecting not only the students, but the students’ future children and grandchildren. In these disastrous cases grades and test scores are obviously the wrong

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issues being surfaced. We should be more focused on eliminating these inhibiting attributes of our educational society.

Table 1

The effect of Verbal SAT scores on family income in 1995 for Asians, Whites, Hispanics, and Blacks conferred by La Griffe du Lion

 

These numerous problems should be addressed until the issues are handled to complete satisfaction of the people suffering them. One solution to these problems is quite simple. The answer is diversity and the acceptance of diversity. The more willing we are to accept the fact that not all students will have the same goals, values, dreams, and perceptions of success; the more students we will see live happy and truly successful lives. We need to eliminate some required courses and introduce a wider range of classes. Replenishing the arts will most importantly encourage and motivate students to learn. Students will enjoy learning because they will be nourishing their curiosities with what they desire to learn instead of what

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someone demands they be taught. Developing a more diverse secular perception of success will encourage and promote a range of forgotten careers and spark new interests. These outcomes will in turn serve as an advantage to our nation. Public schools should be treated with equal finances allowing the most attainable education for all. Most importantly we must eliminate standard tests and diminish the emphasis of grades in a person’s life. When we achieve this, we will relieve students of stress and unneeded pressure. They will be set free of worries which chain them to a stagnant and mundane lifestyle. Individual talents and their importance, will be restored. An outcome of diverse learning techniques and a fair learning environment with equal opportunities for minorities will finally heal our public schools. Diverse social values and goals can at last be restored with these important aspects in mind.

With this compelling restoration my ordinary, cyclic day will maybe one day be transformed. Hopefully it will go something like the following. My lunch period is here, snatching up my lunch bag, I rush to the cafeteria. My mind does not seem to stray from the

class I just left, Acrobatics. Sweating and starving, I sit down, ready to inhale my scrumptious meal when I overhear my friends. A wave of joy has swallowed them whole. They are no longer the students obsessing over their grades. Enjoying school day to day, they have become enthralled with their Photography classes, Dance classes, Music classes, and even their old History classes. They are subdued not only by the interest they have for these subjects, but by the now present abandonment of old tests and past grades. Relieved by the diversity of the abundance of courses offered: they are captivated by the freedom they now have to choose the classes they crave to participate in. They have left the part of them in the past that once cared more about the test than the information. The number in red ink, on the pages of their work has disappeared. It was evident once, more than ever, that we went to school to earn a grade opposed to an education. We became consumed with meaningless

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integers. It is obvious that we once learned what people thought we should know and not what we desired to know. The population at last has realized that standardized tests are aimed at standard students. I did not know of any standard students and I don’t know of any to this day. We are individuals, we are students, willing to learn and willing to participate; we have names, and not one of us answers to Standard.